


savannah

by gothoria



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Character Study, F/M, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, Inspired by Heather by Conan Gray, No Happy Ending Fest, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Sad, Sad Spencer Reid, Unrequited, Unrequited Love, let’s find out why Spencer is so sad!!!, no happy ending sorry, song makes me sad all the time, this could be a hanahaki fic too, wouldwork like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 09:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25468615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothoria/pseuds/gothoria
Summary: he buys the journal for two reasons.1. to write about how stupid his feelings are, especially when they’re for a man who is straight.2. to burn those pages and his feelings with them.(better to not feel than to feel this pain.)
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Savannah Hayes/Derek Morgan, Sorry, but one sided - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	savannah

**Author's Note:**

> this was written in like ten minutes so i’m sorry if it sucks but it was stuck in my mind soooo

last week, spencer bought a journal. it was a simple journal, with a blue hardcover and endless pages for spencer to fill up. 

he’s not sure why he bought it in the first place. it was sitting in a coffee shop in some strange town that the team was in. the case had been closed already and they were making their last minute preparations to leave when spencer offered to pick up coffee for the drive back down to D.C. 

he’s not sure why he bought it until he realizes. it stands out to him because it could be an outlet for him. for all these emotions running through him. all these stupid emotions. 

she’s really pretty, savannah. so pretty that it makes spencer sick. she’s nice too, looks at derek like she wants to give him the world. he’s familiar with the look. he’s given it to derek too. 

the only difference is that derek took notice of her, not spencer. how could he even compete? she’s tan skin, perfect body, and eyes so beautiful that even spencer can get lost in them sometimes. 

he’s pale skin, scrawny body, and faded track marks. it’s a no brainer. 

still, he fills up the journal with these questions.  _ why would derek even consider spencer _ ? when he has savannah. spencer always says that he hates her, but he doesn’t. he can’t, not when she’s so good to him. not when she makes him smile that goofy smile that makes spencer's heart flutter. he wishes he could. he wants to hate her, hate how she talks, how she dresses, anything. 

but he doesn’t. he doesn’t hate her. 

he hates himself. he hates himself for feeling this way about a man who has made it obvious that he likes women and only women. he hates himself for feeling this way about a man who will never reciprocate any of his feelings. 

most of all, he hates that he wishes that he was her. he wishes that derek would look his way, catch spencer looking back, and finally realize. that derek would catch spencer in his arms, pull him close and-

no. that’s just a fantasy. a stupid fantasy that was born one late night at the office. 

it was cold, colder than usual. spencer made the mistake of not bringing a sweater that day, was shivering by the time lunch came around. 

derek noticed the goosebumps on his skin, grabbed his leather jacket and pulled it around spencer’s shoulders. 

“ _ there, pretty boy. should keep you warm. you look nice in it too, really dig the whole bad boy vibe.” _

spencer had rolled his eyes, mumbled a quick thank you before he went back to looking at case reports with notes scribbled on the sides. 

on the outside, spencer was calm and collected. it was just a jacket, anyway. on the inside, his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest. it was just a jacket but it meant so much to him.  _ why did it have to mean so much to him? why couldn’t he just shrug it off like any other person?  _

**_maybe because you like him. because you want him._ **

he really wants to hate her. he cries himself to sleep thinking about it, how she has everything he wants in the palm of her hand and he will be left to suffer alone, waiting for derek to quit calling so that he can finally move on. he wants to hate how she has taken everything away from him. but he never even made it known that he liked derek, never said a word. he wants to move on and ignore the phone ringing.

only derek will never quit calling. derek is so nice that he will always make weekly checkups just to ask how everything is going. spencer always says the same things, so that he won’t slip up and say something he’ll regret. 

it only gets harder when the team goes out for drinks and derek invites savannah to join them. 

savannah. sometimes he’ll think about how he and she have the same first letter in their names. he’ll play pretend that it’s because derek likes him back, liked him so much that he chose a girl whose name starts with the letter ‘s’ to remind him of spencer. that’s where the similarities end. then, spencer thinks about how different they are, how savannah can make a friend anywhere, how she can look good in anything she wears and catch everyone’s eye. 

everyone likes savannah. they all look at her when she walks in, compliment her and tell her how good she looks in derek’s leather jacket. garcia tells her that. it hurts hearing it.  _ it’s just a jacket. _

but no matter how many times he tells himself that, it doesn’t get any more believable. it’s not just a jacket. it’s derek. 

when derek comes in after her, it’s clear how in love he is. how he looks at her like she’s the only person in the world. 

spencer buries these feelings. he buries then in the blue journal he bought, filing up pages upon pages of angry words,  _ why can’t i hate her? why doesn’t he notice? why can’t he tell that i like him?  _

he fills up the journal and then burns it. he doesn’t answer all of derek’s calls anymore. he’ll only pick up when he misses the sound of his voice. 

he picks up one day, and it’s the biggest mistake of his entire life. because afterward, it feels like his soul has been ripped out of his body, has been crushed and beaten until he can no longer feel anything anymore. 

derek is asking for his opinion on a ring. asks spencer if he knows how much diamonds are going for. of course spencer knows, so he tells derek. he gives his opinion when derek asks for it. 

when the call is over, he cries for so long that it’s hard to breathe after all of his sobs have died off. 

and when derek asks him to speak at his wedding, he will fake happiness for his best friend and tell everyone about how good the two of them are together. he’ll mean it. 

then, later in the night, when he’s home in a bed that he wishes someone else was in, he’ll stay up thinking, 

_ i wish he looked at me like he looks at her.  _


End file.
